Will I ever think of Benjamin as just my kid? No. He will always be my baby. How did our parents ever do it? How did they ever watch us grow up, get our heart broken by countless "friends" and then go on in our teens to have romantic relationships that broke us down to the ground and watch us willingly go out for more heartache and pain? How did they ever face the facts that life would happen and there was nothing they could do about it? How did they ever face the reality that most people are raised to life of hatred and cruelty, and they sre most likely to take that agression out on the kind and sweet souls they encounter? How did they ever face that some of that cruelty might come from their own children?
I am so torn between my baby, who calls to me with those sweet fat cheeks, and her soft coos and tiny bleets of inescapable adorableness, and my first true mother-love, Benjamin. I feel for him, I long for her. I want him to be independant and strong and yet I need him to need to me. I want him to know he has not and never will be replaced, and still, I wish he would give me the time and space to love her the way she deserves to be.
Emily is so cute.
She sleeps so soundly. She cries so sweetly. She looks so wise and pensive for a nearly but not quite four WEEK old child. I am sure she is the old soul I dreamed of the night I got pregnant. A combination of all the maternal souls that have lead up to her birth. My grandmother, my great aunts and great grandmothers, all their craziness, all their love, and all their experience seems to pour from this child. They are calling to me, have been since her conception, to watch over this girl-child. She will be amazing. She will break barriers. She will make us all reel with her spirit of ability. And I want to be there to watch.
It's not to say that Benjamin is made of lesser stuff, he will be a wonderful man, but she is my legacy to womankind.
I cannot fathom the depth to which I love these children. Is it possible to have a heart that loves so deep and so true?
Yes, it is.